Why it Matters; a Father’s Reflections on the Value of Viewing

By: Shane A.S. Ritchie, CFSP

          I always considered myself an advocate for the value of viewing, but I will admit that dealing with the negative information that seems to come from everywhere regarding viewings and funerals in general (the internet is ripe with scathing articles), coupled with the day to challenges of the funeral profession can sometimes leave you feeling that people just don’t care anymore.  But on occasion, we are called on to help people make some sort of sense and take some sort of meaning from an event that often makes no sense and whose meaning is seemingly impossible to decipher; the sudden, tragic death of someone they love. In 2007 just such an instance changed the way I looked at the value of embalming and viewing forever.

            The young lady was 24 years old when she was very suddenly stricken with breathing difficulties. A trip to her doctor resulted in a diagnoses of a respiratory infection for which she was prescribed antibiotics and told to rest for a few days. Within two days her condition had worsened drastically. She was talking incoherently, evidence of hypoxia, and could hardly breathe. Her family called 911 and she was taken to a local hospital where she was diagnosed with pneumonia in both lungs. She was placed in the ICU, put on IV medications and oxygen.

            About 3:00 AM the following morning her condition worsened again and she was placed into a drug induced coma and put on a respirator to help her breathe. Over the next 14 days, in spite of the best efforts of her doctors, her condition gradually deteriorated and her organs began to shut down. She began to look as if she had gained about 100 pounds due to the introduction of large amounts of IV fluids. On Saturday, March 3, 2007 at approximately 9:30 AM, she passed away with her family at her side. She never regained consciousness.

Her father stood at her bedside with tears streaming down, heart shattered, helpless, hopeless, feeling totally numb and so alone. Mad at the doctors for not being able to save his baby, though he knew they had done all they could.  Mad at God for taking her way too soon, but mostly mad at himself for not being able to protect her as a daddy is supposed to do. You see, I know all this because this girl was my beautiful daughter, Felicity.

At that moment I found myself in a very foreign position. After helping others through the death of loved ones, I suddenly I found myself on the other side of a situation I had been involved with a thousand times before. Confused and in shock I began to understand what all those families were feeling when they came to me for help. There was never any question in my mind. It was not a case of whether I wanted to see her; I had to see her, to hold her hand, and tell her goodbye. I asked a trusted friend who was an experienced embalmer to take care of my baby and please do everything he could to make this possible.

When the day of her visitation and funeral came, I was emotionally and physically drained. My embalmer friend put his arm around me and walked me to the casket, holding onto me and giving me support that was absolutely invaluable. I could feel his compassion and concern though he didn’t say a word.

I have to tell you that at the visitation I really don’t remember much other than she looked beautiful. No traces of the edema, no tubes, no wires, remained to mar her lovely face. Through the pain of grief, I realized that my friend had given me a gift that no amount of money could have adequately compensated him for; he gave me my daughter back so that I could tell her how much I love her one last time to tell her goodbye.

My ex-wife Mary, Felicity’s mother, had a very different experience. A well-meaning but misinformed “friend” decided to be helpful and give her a handful of Xanax tablets the morning of the visitation to help her “cope”. Not realizing what a powerful effect these drugs can have, she took them thinking they would someone help her face this nightmare that no parent should have to face. Unfortunately, the effects were so pronounced that she sat half conscience throughout and could barely even stay awake. For all intents and purposes, she missed the whole thing. In the days and weeks that followed she grieved to the point that she could no longer work. She would set for hours upon hours watching the memorial video and sorting through Felicity’s pictures and various personal items. Over the course of a year she went from 165 pounds to around 95 pounds. I could see that she was suffering from complicated grief brought on by never being able to say goodbye. The last memory she had of our daughter was the lifeless, edematous body with the wires and tubes at the hospital.

In November of 2009, Mary died from an intentional overdose of the same pills that had robbed her of the healing experience that had meant so much to me. I truly believe that she died from the grief of a broken heart vastly complicated by never being able to say goodbye. If these two extremes that I have personally experienced in my own life don’t sufficiently tell the story of the value of viewing, I don’t know what possibly could.

            What we do as embalmers is a calling of the highest order. When a family entrusts us with the last part on earth of someone they love, it is an awesome honor and responsibility. We sometimes perform our tasks not thinking of the incredible emotional and spiritual impact our work carries. I can tell you with no doubt whatsoever that had my embalmer friend not been able to do the incredible work he did; I would likely not be here today. Embalmers are the only people who can make that experience for families possible and my friend performed flawlessly. I am forever in his debt.

            In the months that followed my daughter’s death I began to realize that one of the biggest problems with our profession is that too much of the time, we have lost sight of what those who come to us truly need. When people needed true concern, compassion, and to be educated on the true value of embalming and viewing the body, we gave them pretty boxes, boxes with seals, boxes for boxes, memory drawers, every manner of trinket, and, of course, celebrations of life where the body need not be there to spoil the party atmosphere.

When the going got tough, too many in our profession just did as they were told and obediently closed the lid; no attempt to educate. Instead of an alternative to burial, we have allowed cremation to become an alternative to bother, with no, or at the most, an anemic attempt to teach the reasons why people have had funerals since the beginning of time. Where does this leave those who come to us for expertise and help? As Thomas Lynch so eloquently put it, “you can pay the bartender, you can pay the shrink, or you can pay the undertaker. Either way the dead will exact their pound of emotional flesh from the living”.

            With all the positives that I experienced from viewing, even in the face of the most horrible instance of my life, I know the true value of what only a skilled embalmer can offer. We must hold ourselves, our colleagues and our profession to a higher standard. The days of mortuary school being the completion of our formal embalming and restorative art education must come to an end. Constant learning and skills improvement must be a lifelong journey. We cannot afford, and most importantly, the families we serve cannot emotionally afford, anything less than our very best. 

What does the charge for Basic Services of Funeral Director and Staff mean?

I can’t count the times I have been asked this question by consumers who are looking over a funeral bill. While intended to make the itemized bill more easily understood, it usually does anything but. I would like to explain what the real meaning is and why it is there.

I think a much better description for this item would be Overhead Allotment or something similar. The Basic services charge is where funeral homes apportion a percentage of their overhead to each funeral. This includes things like payroll, taxes, insurance, rents or mortgage payments, utilities, upkeep, administration, supplies, etc.

Most businesses just include overhead in the total price of each unit sold. For example, the dollar you pay for a McDonald Value Menu hamburger (or part of the price of everything on the menu) includes a percentage for the overhead of operating the store and paying franchise fees. Because McDonalds sells huge amounts of food, the individual percentage can seem quite low so you never even think about it. The same holds true for all businesses. A portion of the price of a good or service is to pay company overhead.

Because funeral and cremation services are sold at a much lower volume than most consumer goods or services, the percentage as a dollar amount is going to be much higher. Considering that funeral homes must be available 7 days a week / 365 per year / 24 hours per day it is no wonder that costs of doing business is higher and must be offset by allowing the percentage in pricing. The bottom line is that it is very expensive to operate a funeral home. Contrary to what many people think, the average profit for a funeral home is only about 5% and that’s if you are lucky.

I hope this clears up some of the mystery and/or confusion surrounding the Basic Services of Funeral Director and Staff charge. Please email any questions to me at shane.ritchie@carriageservices.com 

Funeral Myths

This text was adapted from an article by Todd Van Beck that originally appeared in the Summer 2013 issue of the Dodge Magazine. This is some great information whereby Mr. Van Beck dispels some of the most common myths surrounding funerals.

 

Myth #1: Funerals are too expensive

Facts:

·         It takes about 136 individual steps to complete one average adult funeral

·         The average funeral home charge is about $7,500

·         Cost analysis: based on $7,500 overall cost, each service to the client comes out to be $55 per service

·         The average American (this does not include untimely deaths) lives an average of 75 years

·         Living 75 years equates to living 27,375 days

·         This means the average 75 year old whose funeral costs $7,500 has spent about 27¢ per day for their own funeral.

Myth #2: A funeral is the third greatest expense in life after buying a house or a car

Facts:

·         Ask anyone this question: “Have you ever remodeled your bathroom or kitchen?”

·         Ask anyone this question: “Do you have children in college?”

·         Ask anyone this question: “Did you pay for your daughter’s wedding?” (This question is particularly sobering when viewed in the light that the average wedding now costs $28,400 and the divorce rate is around 52%. One would have better chances of success in Las Vegas.)

 Myth #3: If we keep burying people at this rate the entire United States will become a cemetery

Facts:

·         The world’s population is approximately 5 billion people

·         One thousand people can be buried in one acre of land; each in a single grave space

·         If everyone in the world died at the exact same time, the entire world’s population could be buried on 7,812.5 square miles of land, which is an area just a little smaller than the state of Massachusetts

Myth #4: Caskets are very expensive

Facts:

·         When Abraham Lincoln died in 1865, his casket cost $1,500. It was made of solid walnut; lead-lined, cloth covered and was one of the finest burial receptacles made.

·         Allowing for inflation at a 5% rate, President Lincoln’s casket would cost $2,480,625 today

·         In today’s dollars, casket prices are not nearly as expensive as they were in Lincoln’s day

·         Funeral professionals offer a wide range of caskets to fit any budget. The choice is up to the consumer.

Understanding the Value of Embalming and Restorative Procedures

Beard Mortuary provides this information to assist you and your family with understanding the benefits of embalming, restorative procedures, and visitation time with viewing for your loved one. Please rest assured that the funeral directors and staff of Beard Mortuary fully support the choices you make regarding final disposition of your loved one. We will be glad to discuss all options available to you and your family. We are here to serve you.

The Benefits of Embalming and Restorative Procedures

· Provides comfort for family and friends by allowing them to see and spend time with their loved one.

· Delays the natural process of decomposition and sanitizes the body.

· Allows time for friends and family members to travel to the service.

· In the case of traumatic injuries, embalming allows time for reconstructive procedures to restore the body to a more acceptable and identifiable appearance.

· Allows for delayed final disposition, if necessary.

 About Embalming

Embalming is defined as the process of chemically treating the dead human body to reduce the presence and growth of microorganisms, to temporarily inhibit organic decomposition, and to aid in restoring an acceptable physical appearance.

Embalming is not required by law except under certain circumstances but it is generally considered to be the most desirable method for preparation of the body in order to achieve an opportunity for family and friends to have a visitation and funeral service with the body present.

Contrary to what some may believe, embalming is not a gruesome or archaic process. There are variables in the embalming and restoration process that are predicated upon the presence of disease and trauma, but the basic procedure remains the same:

· The body is bathed, the hair washed and combed, and the eyes and mouth are closed.

· Small incisions are made to gain access to an artery or arteries and a small tube is inserted.

· The accompanying vein is opened to provide drainage of the blood volume.

· Preservative chemical is then injected into the artery under pressure, similar to living blood pressure, to reach all tissues of the body with the disinfecting and preserving chemical mixture.

· After the arterial injection is complete, the artery and vein are ligated and the incision is closed.

· Following the arterial injection, the embalmer will treat the body cavities by  making a small incision in the abdomen and inserting a hollow tube to which suction is attached. This allows removal of body fluids in the internal organs. Preservative solution is then injected into the trunk via the same hollow tube. The incision is then closed and sealed.

· Final procedures such as the application of cosmetics, hair styling, dressing the body in the clothing provided by the family, and casketing are then performed to make the deceased ready for viewing.

Restorative or Reconstructive Procedures

When death occurs from disfiguring trauma it may be necessary for the embalmer to perform additional procedures, similar to plastic surgery, in order to achieve an acceptable and identifiable condition.

 Traumatic injuries can occur from different types of fatal incidents. When deaths are investigated by the appropriate officials, the family may be told that, due to the condition of the body, the deceased is not viewable. Typically, physicians, coroners, and law enforcement personnel are not qualified to make such a determination. Beard Mortuary has on staff a reconstructive specialist who has advanced training in post-mortem reconstructive surgery. This specialist can reconstruct some of the most severe traumatic injuries and make the deceased’s appearance acceptable and recognizable.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. If I am going to have my loved one cremated, is there any need for embalming or restorative procedures?

A. Regardless of the method of final disposition, we believe that everyone should consider the benefits of embalming, restorative procedures, viewing, and ceremonies. Many people who have opted for direct disposition with no viewing have regretted that decision later.

Q. Why is it important to have a final viewing of my loved one following death?

A. Psychologists agree that confronting death via a viewing of the body confirms in the mind that the death has actually occurred and is the best way to start the path toward healing the loss.

B. Viewing allows family and friends time to say goodbye in their own way.

C. Having the body present and the casket open at the viewing and service is the most personalized way to honor your loved one.

D. Viewing allows time for family and friends to gather and share their grief. It is said that grief shared is grief diminished. This time of fellowship also provides a supportive and safe place for loved ones to begin to transition from life with the loved one to life without the loved one.

E. Since infancy we have been taught that it is right and proper to say hello and goodbye. A viewing is a public recognition of the significance of the life of your loved one.

Q. Can’t my loved one’s body just be refrigerated before the viewing?

A. Cooling the body to approximately 35—38 degrees will slow down the natural decomposition process for a time. The effectiveness of cooling will vary dependent on a number of factors. Cooling does not allow for reconstructive procedures to be performed and does not address cosmetic issues that may render the body un-viewable. Embalming is always the preferred method of body preparation.

 

The Arrangement Conference

By: Shane Ritchie, CFSP, Licensee-In-Charge

    
Your funeral director is there to assist you in creating a tribute that is a meaningful and memorable reflection of your loved one’s life. While each funeral service should be unique to the individual, there is some information and items that are necessary in every case. Below is a list of common items to bring to the arrangement conference. 
 

·         Important Documents and Information:  For the death certificate and obituary you will need your loved ones full name, Social Security number, birthdate, marriage information, cemetery information, primary physician’s name, parents names (including mother’s maiden name), spouse’s name (maiden name for wives), birthplace, military discharge (DD214), life insurance policies, employment information, education information, names of family members and their spouses.

·         Photos: A clear, recent photo of your loved one to aid the hairdresser and cosmetologist and for the newspaper and website obituary. Forty to fifty pictures for a DVD tribute video, if desired.

·          Clothing: It is very appropriate to bring clothing that fits your loved ones personality. It doesn’t have to be a suit or dress but those are always appropriate also. Long sleeves are usually the best choice. Be sure to bring a complete set of underclothes; under pants, socks and undershirt for a man, panties, bra, and hose or socks for a woman.

·         Glasses: If your loved one wore glasses, it would be wise to bring them. Although most people don’t wear glasses when in repose, your loved one will look much more familiar to those who are used to seeing them with them on. Be sure and tell your funeral director if you wish the glasses to be returned to you after the service, if you want them to remain with your loved one or if they should be donated to your local Lions Club.

·         Jewelry: Any type of jewelry that your loved one wore in life is appropriate. Be sure to let your funeral director know if the jewelry should be returned to you after the service or if it will remain with your loved one.

·         Favorite poem or verse for the memorial folders (Your funeral director can help you with this if you don’t have anything in particular in mind).

At the arrangement conference (or any time before, during or after the service), don’t hesitate to ask any questions or express any concerns that you may have. Your funeral director is there to serve you and will be happy to help in any way possible.

     Remember, at Beard Mortuary, we try and make the entire process as comfortable and convenient for you as possible. We will gladly provide a complimentary limo and driver to bring you and your family to the arrangement conference, or, if you prefer, we will come to your home and hold the arrangement conference there.  Our complimentary limo and concierge service is available to you throughout the funeral process. Just let us know when you wish to be picked up and where you need to go. We will take care of the details and our professional driver will arrive promptly and will be ready to assist you in any way possible.

The Truth About “Family Owned” Versus “Corporate” Funeral Homes

By: Shane Ritchie, Licensee-In-Charge

Because of the fact that so many funeral homes offer services that are remarkably similar, some of our friends at so called “family owned” funeral homes have decided that, in an attempt to “differentiate” themselves from the competition, it would be wise to borrow a page from politics and demonize their competitors. They use words like “conglomerate” and “multinational” to conjure up images of uncaring wealthy tycoons counting their money while taking advantage of people in their time of need and stepping on the little guys. They talk about the big out of state corporations that have “taken over” the once locally owned establishments and shout buyer beware!

A quick check of public records reveals an interesting fact; all the local funeral homes in the Tri-State are corporate owned. Even the so called “family owned” firms are actually owned by corporations of which the family members may be the only stock holders. The real fact is that a corporation is neither good nor bad. It is merely a legal form of business organization. It has no bearing at all in and of itself on how the firm provides its services or who manages the day to day operations. It is simply a non-issue which has been twisted and exploited for marketing purposes.

At Beard Mortuary we partnered with Carriage Services, Inc. in 1998 in an effort to bring a higher level of service to our funeral home and our client families. This partnership has allowed us to have access to the wisdom of the best and brightest minds in the funeral profession and has offered a depth of support that is simply not available to small, independent firms; allowing us to remain on the cutting edge of funeral service innovation. It has also brought us economies of scale so that our prices can remain very competitive while still offering superior service and value to our client families. Moreover, it has allowed us to properly take care of our employees by offering good wages and benefits such as life, health, and dental insurance.

But most important is what it has not done. It has not changed the fact that Beard Mortuary is managed, staffed and operated by a group of caring, compassionate people who are all life-long residents of the Tri-State. We still offer the same uncompromising service and highest standards of excellence that C. Harold Beard set into motion so many years ago.

           Before you make a decision, please stop by Beard Mortuary and talk with Shane, Lisa or Jordan and let us show you all that we have to offer. We would be happy to answer any and all questions you may have about funeral, cremation, and other end of life planning issues. We are available to serve you twenty four hours per day, seven days per week. You’ll always be warmly greeted and we will take the time to listen to your needs and desires to help you create a truly memorable and meaningful end of life celebration.

The Importance of Ritual and Permanent Memorialization

By: Shane Ritchie, CFSP

     
            A few years ago I arranged a direct cremation for a gentleman whose children were in charge of his disposition. I would estimate that his three children were all in their twenties. It was obvious that this was all new to them.

“Dad was a free spirit; he wouldn’t want a public ceremony or any ceremony at all for that matter. We just want to scatter his ashes on the beach.”

OK. Fair enough. But what about a permanent place of memorialization?

“Why would we need that? We remember dad for who he was. We don’t need a stone in a cemetery to remember our dad.”

During our conversation I began to notice a lot of “we” and “I” entering the discussion so I inquired about dad’s friends, grandchildren, future generations who might want to know about their roots. The blank looks on the faces around me told the story. They had never even given any thought to matters like that. The fact that funerals (and anything associated with them) make people feel uncomfortable often seems to be their justification to re-invent the ritual, trying to turn it into something that is more pleasant and/or efficient (though not necessarily effective), or worse yet, dispensing with it altogether.

One of my hobbies is genealogy. Tracing my ancestry gives me a sense of continuity and adds meaning to my life. Visiting the graves of my kinsman is a spiritual journey for me. When there is no permanent memorial, a person eventually just ceases to exist. A wise man once said “Memorials are stepping stones to the past and to the future; they link the generations.”

            As a funeral director, I feel that a major part of my job is educating the public about such things as the importance of ritual and memorialization through ceremony and monuments. There is a reason that humans have held funeral rituals and practiced permanent memorialization since the beginning of time. I believe that we all have an innate, God given need to honor and memorialize the dead. By sidestepping this need we are doing a disservice to our emotional well-being and to future generations.

            For a free booklet on arranging meaningful funerals, call us here at Beard Mortuary at 304-522-8253. Visit us online at www.beardmortuary.com and www.facebook.com/beardmortuarywv