The Importance of Ritual and Permanent Memorialization

By: Shane Ritchie, CFSP

     
            A few years ago I arranged a direct cremation for a gentleman whose children were in charge of his disposition. I would estimate that his three children were all in their twenties. It was obvious that this was all new to them.

“Dad was a free spirit; he wouldn’t want a public ceremony or any ceremony at all for that matter. We just want to scatter his ashes on the beach.”

OK. Fair enough. But what about a permanent place of memorialization?

“Why would we need that? We remember dad for who he was. We don’t need a stone in a cemetery to remember our dad.”

During our conversation I began to notice a lot of “we” and “I” entering the discussion so I inquired about dad’s friends, grandchildren, future generations who might want to know about their roots. The blank looks on the faces around me told the story. They had never even given any thought to matters like that. The fact that funerals (and anything associated with them) make people feel uncomfortable often seems to be their justification to re-invent the ritual, trying to turn it into something that is more pleasant and/or efficient (though not necessarily effective), or worse yet, dispensing with it altogether.

One of my hobbies is genealogy. Tracing my ancestry gives me a sense of continuity and adds meaning to my life. Visiting the graves of my kinsman is a spiritual journey for me. When there is no permanent memorial, a person eventually just ceases to exist. A wise man once said “Memorials are stepping stones to the past and to the future; they link the generations.”

            As a funeral director, I feel that a major part of my job is educating the public about such things as the importance of ritual and memorialization through ceremony and monuments. There is a reason that humans have held funeral rituals and practiced permanent memorialization since the beginning of time. I believe that we all have an innate, God given need to honor and memorialize the dead. By sidestepping this need we are doing a disservice to our emotional well-being and to future generations.

            For a free booklet on arranging meaningful funerals, call us here at Beard Mortuary at 304-522-8253. Visit us online at www.beardmortuary.com and www.facebook.com/beardmortuarywv

 

 

Beware of Pseudo Grief Experts

The Beard Mortuary Blog

by Licensee-In-Charge, Shane Ritchie,CFSP

www.beard mortuary.com
www.facebook.com/beardmortuarywv





I've noticed something in the last few months that I find troubling; funeral directors promoting themselves as grief counseling experts. While funeral directors are given minimal training in grief studies during their tenure at mortuary school, they are in no way qualified as grief counselors. In most states a grief counselor must, at a minimum, hold a bachelors degree in psychology, have further specialized training in counseling and grief studies, and be licensed by the state. While most funeral directors certainly are compassionate people who have experience in dealing with people during times of grief, most do not have the specific education and experience to be qualified counselors. Even with continuing education that is offered to funeral directors in the areas of grief and mourning, they do not make one a grief expert.

At Beard Mortuary we have adopted the companioning the mourner protocol established by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the countries leading expert and educator on grief and mourning. The tenets of the companioning model are:

1. Companioning is about being present to another person’s pain; it is not about taking away the pain.
2. Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.
3. Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect.
4. Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
5. Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles.
6. Companioning is about walking alongside;it is not about leading or being led.
7. Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it does not mean filling up every moment with words.
8. Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
9. Companioning is about respecting disorder and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.
10. Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them.
11. Companioning is about compassionate curiosity; it is not about expertise.

Our directors are compassionate, competent individuals  who know how to help those who are grieving through the use of literature written by true experts, lending a empathetic ear and shoulder to cry on, and just "being there" whenever needed. We always direct those with complicated grief to the appropriate professional counselors. We never pretend to be something we are not. This is not only unethical but potentially illegal.

So the next time you hear a funeral director (or anyone else for that matter) claiming to be a grief expert offering grief seminars and advice, ask to see their qualifications.

For more information on companioning the mourner and Dr. Wolfelt visit www.centerforloss.com


Shane A.S. Ritchie is a licensed West Virginia funeral director and embalmer and the Licensee-In-Charge at Beard Mortuary In huntington, WV. He may be reached via email at shane.shuttritchie@carriageservice.com